Not Another Alchemist Story!
by Katrina Elric
Summary: Stupidness and more read for sympathy please or something IM PSYCHO
1. Chapter 1

I don't own FMA or it's characters but I wish I did and someday I will! Rikku ish mine though

It all started as a normal day that is, until she opened the mailbox. Her emerald-green eyes widened as she read the letter, an envelope with a simple sticker sealing it. "Why the hell would the military want me? I'm not a registered alchemist or anything" she said as she opened the letter. She had raven-black hair and tan skin; she had a slender yet athletic body that was concealed by her clothes, which in turn were very nerdish. Since she had never felt the reason to make herself as beautiful as she could be, she never bothered. Her hair did not have much sheen and her rather large glasses, which she pulled up every so often, hid her eyes.

She pulled up her sweater sleeves (yes, even in that weather) as she packed her stuff, after all, what was there to lose working in the military? Out the door and into the good 'ol fresh air and sweet, sweet, sunshine. " Let's see… Central is that overly large building right there"

"Umm…hello? Could you please direct me to Colonel Mustang's office?" she shyly inquired to a good-looking officer with glasses. "Oh you must be the new recruit they called in aren't you?" he replied with a warm smile. "Yes…how did you…?" she was interrupted because two boys, well one boy and one suit of armor came galloping by. "Oh sorry excuse us!" said a voice from the suit of armor. Hughes gave a hearty laugh as they ran off, "those two, Edward's probably out to bite Roy's head off once again". " Hmm…as I was saying Mr.?" She was at a lost for words, for she did not know his rank or name. "Ah! My name is Maes Hughes, just call me Hughes, ok?".

A rather long hallway she thought while being led by Hughes, also while she ignored his stories about his wife and child. She really didn't care but listened anyway (kinda) marriage and children were dead to her, no chance, and no use. Her thoughts were interrupted when she clumsily bumped into Hughes "Why may I ask? Did we stop?" she fixed her glasses. " Because my foolish low-ranking subordinate we are here," he said as he opened the door and greeted by a not-so-warm welcome. A short blond boy with tawny eyes and a red cloak was yelling his head off with a bunch of angry marks all over the place at a man who was calmly sitting behind a desk with his hands folded, and the giant armor she had seen earlier was cowering right next to the short one. Hawkeye leaning against one wall and Breda, Havoc and Black Hayate were against the other wall looking as if this was a regular event.

"Ed" the man tried to interrupt him with no avail. "I COULD HAVE DIED OUT THERE-" "Ed please" "AND AL WAS-" "EDWARD CALM

YOURSELF!" he yelled since he was losing his patience. Edward crossed his arms as he plumped his rear into the couch, also with the trademark angry face. "Anyway Hughes what is it?" said the man from behind the desk. " Aw, Roy you never say hello anymore? Has work sucked the life out of you already? I always say when a man is married he does more w—" "Hughes please get it over with already, I'm kind of busy" Roy said as he shuffled some papers. "The new recruit is here you wanna see her now?" Hughes replied disappointed that he didn't finish his sentence. She stepped in on cue and stared down wishing she were a little more presentable "Hello". Ed automatically burst out in laughter onto the floor holding his stomach "Damn! She's worse than Hughes assistant!" She suddenly wished she wasn't there anymore.

She saluted and said "Rikku Marie Bella reporting for um…err…whatever I'm here for really" and she lowered her hand. Mustangs eyebrows raised as he studied her, not getting any information at all " You are here to help me with my mounds and mounds of paperwork that never ceases to pile up" He gave a signal for the others to leave the room for a while, then he motioned for her to sit down. " Now I want it to be clear that I do not tolerate slacking of any kind, no tom-foolery as well, clear?" "Crystal, sir" her hands were clenched because the pressure was enormous. "Now you will need a uniform…assuming you are a D of some kind…." He muttered under his breath. "What?" "Nothing! I just said that you are a medium right?" "Right" she eyed him suspiciously.

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**Wikku: Roy is a basified class A perv aren't you?**

**Roy:…………**

**Wikku: one day I'm going to make Full Metal Alchemist the Musical! And guess what song I'm going to make you sing**

**Roy:…………**

**Wikku: TOMA!**

**TO BE CONTINUED……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………**


	2. Rikku Makeover

FMA not mine. Rikku is mine

Rikku opened her arms as she embraced the morning sunshine and stretched out. The last few days passing were mildly interesting, yet the same ritual every day, file in and file out. So boring. "Good morning myself!" she yawned and sat up to see her image in the mirror. Her slightly unruly hair all over the place, her glasses on the night side table. " Should I spruce up today for no reason or stay me?" she plopped back down on her bed, only one hour before work, aw she had time. She got up and got dressed, with a toothbrush still jammed in her mouth she glanced over at the clock, 30 minutes left. She brushed _and_ combed her hair back and to the side, giving it sheen of new proportions, applied whatever make-up she had (making sure it was not too much) and grabbed her military jacket-thing.

Rikku then dunked her toothbrush back in its proper place and ran out her door pulling up her pants, she picked up the pace seeing she was running short on time (no pun intended!). Hair flowing like water behind her she slammed straight into a wall, thoroughly knocking herself out.

Roy twiddled his fingers impatiently while looking from the door to the paperwork and then back. " I thought I made it clear that things like these will not be tolerated!" He slammed his fist down hard on the tabled making Havoc jump up 3 feet in the air only to come back down on Breda. " You can't be that hard on her, she just started working here" Havoc replied while getting up and rubbing his sore behind. " Just because she is new here doesn't mean she doesn't have to abide by the rules!" Mustang snapped back, clearly losing his temper.

The door opened and Rikku stumbled in. " Please forgive my lateness! I was um…running…and I fell…" she managed to say before falling over a chair. " Pull this again Bella and you will be deported to a different, less important, section!" Roy said not looking up from his desk, he opened a drawer and pulled out an even larger stack of papers. Havoc and Breda just stared in wonder and a little puddle formed under Havoc (from his mouth!) Black Hayate saw this and pushed his dog bowl under the stream of drool, therefore collecting it before it hit the floor. " Lieutenant, you Breda, Fury, and the others need to report to Hughes, it seems he needs some assistance" Roy said from under his desk (he was fixing his pants) and he poked his head up (I'm just kidding) fixed his jacket-thing (no really he was) and sat straight up.

Hawkeye exited the room along with the others closing the door after them, Rikku stayed awaiting her punishment. "Sir I'm so sorry I-" she pushed back her silky, soft, smooth (yes rini I did add it) hair behind her ear. Glasses tucked in pocket for when she needed it, and jacket slightly open revealing a white dress shirt that was a little open too. " Forget about it Rikku just make sure it doesn't happen again" he looked up and handed her a few folders, his eyes widened and mouth dropped slightly. " Where's Rikku and who are you!" She looked around and then back and said, " She's here and I'm her?" She took in his facial features for once; black shiny hair with a gleam, and black as night eyes, and a strong set jaw. As he took in hers; straight black hair past the shoulders, large seductive emerald-green eyes, small mouth and tan skin. He was snapped out of his trance when Rikku waved her hand in front of his face.

Roy shook his head, must not get distracted " So anyway file these and these and these and see you at lunch" he said quickly and left the room to go attend other business. Rikku was stupefied, not only by the amount of paperwork but also the lunch comment, I mean so what? Everyone ate in the same room anyway! She quickly pushed these things out of her mind and got to work. " Wow there is so much paper work here it makes it look like he never graduated anything!" she fixed everything up in no time, she laid down on the couch and closed her eyes. The door opened and she looked up, seeing it was a BIG man with a little blond curl at the top of is otherwise bald, head. "Who are you?" she sat up. " I am Alex Louis Armstrong! Also known as the Strong Armed Alchemist!" his shirt poofed and all was left was him flexing his many muscles, pink sparkles flying all over the place. She shielded her eyes from the evil blinding sparkles and said " Nice to meet you Armstrong I'm Rikku" "Wonderful! Another person to show off—I mean impress with my muscles!" flexing his arm in front of her face. " Look at the time! It's lunch! Bye!" she ran off. " Wait! My muscles and I shall join you!" sprinting off after her.

Sliding into her seat she looked down dismally at the food in front of her, was it her or did that thing just move? Hughes shoved a picture in Ed's face (who was sitting across from Rikku) of his kid. " My god doesn't she just make you want to hug people!" Hughes exclaimed. " More like hug them to death…." Ed mumbled " Hey Roy! Who's this broad?" pointing a fork at Rikku. " I'm not a broad and I'm Rikku!" she exclaimed she was getting tired of this. " Yeah right and Roy finished high school!" Ed threw out; he sniffed the air and saw his rear was on fire. " Shrimp barbecue anyone?" Mustang said taking his place _beside_ Rikku, putting his glove away. Ed shot up to the ceiling not coming down for a good 20 minutes, then landing square in his seat with his face planted in his food. Al picked his brother up and tried to help him, Ed only pulled away. " Oh hello Rikku we weren't properly introduced before, I'm Alphonse and this is Edward, we are the Elrics" Al said shaking her hand.

After all was introduced Rikku found she disliked Edward A LOT and she hoped he felt the same. As for the others Hawkeye too serious, Breda nah, Havoc cute, Al a sweet kid, Hughes devoted, and Roy…a guy. Miniskirts and all she disliked him as well, another good reason is she has trauma with fire, which is her weakness in alchemy. The fact that he was a flirt didn't help at all; she got up from the table and walked out saying something about work. Ed looked up at Roy, " Man you screwed up now!"

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**Ed: Flame Alchemist? More like Hotheaded Alchemist!**

**Roy: sets Ed on fire **

**Wikku: Men are pigs…**


	3. Ed the Dumb

FMA not mine. Rikku is mine and Rini ish my friends

Edward made his way towards his room ruffling his hair. "Damn it, why is it always so goddamn boring in this hellhole they call headquarters? The only good thing here is the fine ladies!" at this he flashed a big smile towards a few female officers, sparkle sparkle. They walked off giggling and fighting under their breaths how short Ed is. He opened the door of his room and went inside, slamming the door after him. Al had gone to get better acquainted with that new geek girl, Roy and his goonies were off doing something he really didn't care about. " ah the serene peacefulness of being by yourself…….sucks badly" he looked around the room for something to do, puzzles done, no finger painting, no damn T.V., no nothing at all. "WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO NOW!" he was exasperated.

**About 2 hours later…**

Edward woke up and looked around, still no one here. Had Al came back when he was sleeping? Who cares? He had gotten an idea while sleeping to pass his time, Ed stood up and zipped down his pants (ladies control yourselves!) and was left in a pair of white briefs (he ran out of boxers) He kicked the pants onto the bed and took of his cloak and shirts, bare-chested he made his way towards his chest of drawers. " I always kinda wanted to do this…" pulling a big white dress shirt over his head that he had apparently stole from Roy. "Where the hell did I put his sunglasses?" digging under his mattress, he pulled out a pair of black shades that also belonged to Roy (kleptomaniac?) Ed kept his pearly white socks on (not for long) and was looking through his CD case, pulling out a Michael Jackson CD he smirked knowing how much fun he was going to have…

**Then Ed started to dance and sing…**

**Ed: **As he came into the window

Was a sound of a crescendo

He came into her apartment

He left the bloodstains on the carpet

She was sitting at the table

He could see she was unable

So she ran into the bedroom

She was struck down

It was her doom

**Ed and chorus: **Annie, are you OK

Are you OK

Are you OK, Annie

Annie, are you OK

You OK

You Ok, Annie

Annie, are you OK

You Ok

You Ok, Annie

So on and so forth…he finished the song and… 

"Whew! That was so fun!" Ed fell back on his bed while Al just stood there looking at him. "Uh…brother?" he said with a little tiny squeaky voice. " HUH! AL! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE!" Ed sat up and nearly fell off the bed. " I've been here since well…. you don't want me to say." "SAY IT!" " Ever since you did the Michael Jackson crotch-grab, brother. I didn't mean to interrupt you so I didn't say anything, and let me say this, I will never really think of you the same way again, but also that was excellent performance! The choreography was fan…." By this time Ed completely drowned him out thinking, doesn't he ever breathe? Ever? Ed got up and changed into his regular clothes, red with embarrassment and left out "I'm going for a walk" he said as he strode out. " Wait! Let me come with you brother!" Al said running after Ed.

Ed turned a corner at a street and saw a something or someone running from a someone or something. He ran closer to see what was going on and……………………………………………………………………………………………..

Wikku: basically it's a cliffhanger peoples so get used to it! Please read and review and I'm open to any ideas or suggestions

**Ed: Yep she sure IS open! Mon-Thu 5-6 pm**

**Rini: ED**

**Ed: sorry I forgot, no dissing Wikku Rikku or any body like them in public**

**Roy: anybody hungry?**

**Ed: I am! What's on the menu?**

**Roy: Full Metal Shrimp Cocktail**

**Ed: ARGH! YOU BAS----- tune in for next chapter**


End file.
